Guardians Of The Galaxy

Ronan Keating has tired of being a former boyband pretty boy and wants to destroy planets with a powerful gem thing. Big faced Chris Pratt, code named Chocolate Starfish, or something, is one of the few pink skinned people trying to stop him. The rest are all guilty of blue/red/green face crimes that I thought were frowned upon in the twenty first century. Zoe Saldana does look rather fetching as a green person, it must be said, but she won't dance, simply won't.

Music happens a lot. Lots of it, all retro stuff. Mix tape made by Starburst's dying mom so he could learn to love Motown and early seventies rock even after she was gone. Which was just before he was kidnapped by a bunch of space pirates in a flashback opening scene.

There's a violent walking tree too - best acting of Vin Diesel's entire career - and a rodent thing with smarts but an attitude problem. And a hulking great muscleman who never uses one word when fifteen will take up a few more seconds screen time. Basically it's a typical Marvel ensemble of misfits without the spandex.

And it's explosive. Super explosive. Interstellar explosive. And not exactly complex in terms of plot but who cares when such a magnificent cast turn up, sometimes to perform rather brief roles. Glenn Close, John C Reilly, Karen Gillan (who knew she'd look so cool and mean with a crew cut?), John Travolta, Fred Astaire, Dame Margot Fonteyn...I may have made these last three up.

Not once does anyone sing a Boyzone song, which might be adding to Ronan's rage. Instead they blow him to fuckery, in the end. No easy feat but why should I tell you how they do it? Why haven't you watched this movie already, you gimboid? It's great. Go on, watch it. I can't talk to you until you do. Or I will talk to you but I will only say "I am Groot" which will annoy the living shit out of you because you won't know what I mean.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Not having been an avid viewer of much in the way of JJ Abrams' output prior to the first instalment of his rebooted Star Trek, I must say that film made a huge impression on me. I'm a Whovian more than a Trekkie but do have a soft spot for Kirk and the gang (not a 70s funk band), and the camera flaring, explosion heavy, fire-everything mentality of Abrams' first Trek movie was pitch perfect. High expectations came with me when I headed for the second instalment, then.

Largely I was not disappointed although a little of the joy of seeing some wonderful reinterpretations of familiar characters was burnt out first time around (except McCoy - he's hilarious all day long). The action scenes are, if anything, even more tense and I literally found I was holding my breath towards the climax when a massive star ship plummets towards Star Fleet headquarters in a death-dive. Breathe, damn it, breathe; dying at the movies is a silly way to go and it makes your face all purple.

The Kirk/Spock bromance continues to dominate but, just so religious types and those from the Deep South (Croyden) can assure themselves the Captain and his First Officer are not actually getting it on, Spock's unlikely relationship with Uhuru is still ongoing. She, like last time, has a few key scenes of her own (Nichelle Nichols must be envious) as do most of the supporting cast - Sulu, Chekov, McCoy. Scotty actually does a lot of running around and is integral to some of the later action which must have been such a rush for Simon Pegg. Yet his accent is so erratic that I wonder why they bothered with it.

After all, the main villain of the piece (and here comes a spoiler) is none other than Khan (KHAN!) but Benedict Cumberbatch shows no interest in trying to emulate Ricardo Montelban's Hispanic tones. Yes, that's right, you read me right - KHAN! Only this time around it is Kirk he comes close to killing (does actually kill him but not for long - watch it if you don't know already). And this time it is Spock who yells 'KHAN!' in the manner of a man who is attempting to expel a particularly reluctant stool which he has inexplicably named.

Saw it coming, to be honest but it works. Boy does it work. Bang, crash, fight, boom, plunging ships, gravity failing on the Enterprise - I was as caught up in the action as a five year old boy is caught up when the string connecting his gloves half strangles him as he puts on an oversized raincoat.

I love how Abrams plays with the existing mythology of Star Trek. He's allowed, it's an alternate timeline. Thus Khan is more charming and yet even more vicious than his counterpart in the original movies (and, indeed, the TV series). Thus women only have to look at Kirk to start removing their clothing. Thus Nimmoy can give Quinto spoilers mid-film, the sneaky so-and-so.

Overall I think the first film just edges Into Darkness for invention and interplay between the main cast. Khan is a far better villain than old grumpy-face Nero, though, so maybe it is a question of swings and roundabouts?

If you love spacey stuff, big a bang a boom stuff, action happening so fast you cannot keep up with it all stuff and hand-held, edgy camera work (which everyone praises Abrams for yet overlooks the fact that he sort of nicked it from Joss Whedon's Serenity), then you will love lots of the stuff in this movie. And if you don't like any of that stuff: 

1. what are you reading this for? and, 
2. you and I cannot be friends any more.