Big

Imagine a film executive today being pitched a movie which involves a pre-pubescent boy becoming Tom Hanks overnight yet still being the boy inside and coming close to having an affair with a woman whose massive hair is only permissible because it's the 1980s. The film executive would mutter the word 'pedicure'. Their secretary would inform them they mean 'paedophilia' and the movie would never get made.

Luckily we didn't have people like Jimmy Savile or Rolf Harris in the 80s so it was a more innocent time. What? We did? Oh god. I'm so glad the police rushed round thirty years later when one of them was already dead and one was crumbly and ancient. That'll show them.

But back to Big. Be careful what you wish for. That's the message, folks. It's not even a particular selfish or greedy wish. It's something most small lads and lasses have thought to themselves at some point - I wish I were big. Yes, they say 'were' because they know proper grammar and aren't chavs.

Be careful what you wish for otherwise your best friend will have to remind you you're only a kid once you've played a step on keyboard and got a job in a toy company thing place.

Be careful what you wish for otherwise your poor distressed mum will think you're dead and that's just cruel, even if she does go on to play Jeff Bridges's girlfriend in The Fisher King.

Be careful what you wish for because you'll have to wear wanky 80s suits with wanky 80s shoulder pads in them.

Be careful what you wish for because those I Tell Your Foreskin machines are practically extinct now and if you did make a wish on one, chances are it would be scrapped and recycled into a home barista machine by the end of the week and you'd be stuck as Tom Hanks forever meaning you'd almost die in an Apollo mission, move to Philadelphia and become HIV positive, parody yourself in the Simpsons movie, talk to a freaking basketball whilst growing a stupid scraggly beard on an island where only you, the basketball and a movie studio film crew are to be found, chase Leonardo DiCaprio a lot when he's decided to be a conman. And other exhausting antics.

Big is the best of the magic-realism movies of the 80s. Splash was just The Little Mermaid with Darryl Hannah in it. Or someone else: she was rather interchangeable with several other actresses in those days. Whatever, Splash doesn't come close to Big. Batteries Not Included doesn't either. Nor Rain Man as he blatantly couldn't control the rain so it isn't even a magic-realism film at all.

Hanks is great at conveying a boy stuck in the body of a child. Thank god they didn't cast someone who might have taken that literally such as a once black but rapidly becoming white pop star with a tendency to grab his own genitals when dancing.

But the most important thing to remember is be careful what you wish for. Oh I said that already. Er, the scenes with the sword fight and the invention of the Internet are brilliant but may never have happened apart from during my light nap one Christmas Day when I was watching Big for the fiftieth time.

Be careful how much turkey you eat.

It's got Tom Hanks in it, did I say that? Be careful what you wish for. For instance, I wished to write a decent review of Big but I came up with this pile of shit instead. Sorry. It's because really I'm a five year old trapped in the body of Tom Hanks. He's evil. He won't let me go. Someone call Yewtree.