Kingsman: The Secret Service

Colin Firth is...Colin Firth, same as always. But that's a good thing, isn't it? We haven't got totally fed up of his suave Britishness like we did Hugh Grant's stumble-bumble Britishness. Not yet. Anyway, he's a spy but it's not a government run thing, it's a secret society known as Kingsmen. But otherwise it's basically Bond with a junior Bond storyline thrown in for good measure.

Which is where Taron Egerton comes in with his kind of odd name as though he's American or made it up but he's actually like well chavvy n that. In this movie. When he's being Eddie the Eagle he's not chavvy. But he is much dumber. Lovably dumber. The Brits love a plucky loser. Wonder why more of us don't like Donald Trump, then?

Anyway (again), lost my train of thought there (again). Yup, Firth owes Egerton (even his surname sounds made up) a favour as he was present when the teenager's dad died during final training to become a cool spy. So he throws him a chance to do the same training and maybe die during the final part of it.

Michael Caine is the boss but don't get excited, he's emailing most of his performance in. Some young posho types are also in the training which we see scenes from alternating with an escalating plot involving the deaths, disappearances and some form of control over influential people of the world. Behind this scheme is Samuel L. Jackson but channelling Will.i.am for some reason. Trigger warning, one scene contains a very, very bad pun at the expense of McDonald's.

Egsy (Egerton's character has almost as odd a name as he does in real life but it's ok as it's a nickname), goes through various rites of passage scenarios. Yes they're faintly predictable but this isn't a movie trying to reinvent the wheel. This is a Matthew Vaughn film which from the off should lead you to expect some high class violence without too much gore and a better sense of humour than Guy Ritchie's films have displayed since Snatch. Much of the best violence comes from Jackson's henchwoman, Sofia Boutella.

End of the world as we know it scenario for the climax?  But of course. That's what we want from our spy films. Oh and for Michael Caine to say the word 'fuck' in that peerless guttural way of his. Does the world end? Does Samuel L Jackson get away with it or does he get thwarted by some pesky kids? Let's just say there's a sequel in the planning. Which is a good thing.

Star Trek: Beyond

How to tell that JJ Abrams was not directing or scripting the third of the rebooted Star Trek movies - it's not as good as the previous two. 

How to tell that Simon Pegg was involved in scripting the third of the rebooted Star Trek movies - his character, Scotty, gets more action than in the previous two and steals focus from the two supposed stars, Kirk and Spock. Oh, and the script isn't as good as anything Pegg's produced with regular cohort Edgar Wright. And don't even get me started on the fact that Pegg is the only piece of casting in the entire reboot that I completely disagree with: James Doohan's corpse would have been better.

Suffice to say that Beyond is not up to scratch. It has its moments, not least when Sofia Boutella kicks butt and delivers the only truly comic lines in the piece, and there is merit in examining the tedium that would come from a five year mission exploring strange new worlds. Because it isn't all exploring strange new worlds, lots of it is routine crap to do with making the ship move about from one place to another while you're stuck with the same faces the entire time

Merited this may be but while I suspect Abrams could have summed up the ennui and self-doubt of Kirk and Spock in a line or two, Pegg clumps away at it with all the subtlety of an Emmerich-wielded sledgehammer. Minus a billion points for emotional manipulation and dull dialogue, Simon.

Idris Elba's villain could be more than the stereotypical malcontent grinding his axe, too, but again poor exposition and a preference for letting some twat who previously made goddawful Fast And Fucksake movies take over the director's chair and thus ensuring spectacle would drown out the more human complexities of such a storyline was as bad a move as letting Pegg drive the script.

I sound like I hate this movie. I don't hate it but I don't love it and that is very telling given that I had indeed loved the previous two. I grew up with the original TV series then spent my late teens and early twenties watching the big screen versions lurch from brilliant to mediocre only for TNG to revive the entire concept and lead to other sequels including the inimitable Voyager. When Abrams brought the original concept back and opened up endless new possibilities with the alternate timeline twist there was hope that this time around a combination of amazing special effects and a plethora of skilled directors and scriptwriters ought to ensure the franchise stopped skipping so many beats back on the big screen. Hopes dashed. 

I can only hope that Chris Pine, Zoe Saldana and Zachary Quinto have not been put off continuing with the Star Trek future as they, like everyone else but Pegg, are perfectly cast and totally bedded into their roles in the minds of old and new fans alike. Just have a care, Roddenberry estate-holders, don't let some brilliantly sarcastic British cast member write any part of the script again and for Vulcan's sake don't let anyone near the director's chair who is only capable of making vacuous, action-and-explosions-as-porn films.