Wanted

It's unclear who or what is the subject of the title of this film. Is James McAvoy wanted or the king assassin he's been recruited into a weird fraternity of killers to shoot to pieces? Is Angelica Jolie wanted by McAvoy or is it the exciting, no-holds-barred lifestyle she represents? Perhaps a more meaningful title is wanted?

A trifling quibble. If you want bullets bending through space in ways that would make Einstein shit his underpants, you've got them. If you want way, way better vehicular spills and craziness than any FastFurious movie, you've got them too. Exploding rats, yeah you can have them. Stabby, stabby big knives scares; punchy, punchy violence; Chris 'What A' Pratt being smashed in the face with a computer keyboard; Morgan Freeman's join the dots mole face and velveteen voice; spectacular train crash...

Take it from me, there is a truck load of action. Action, action, action. That's probably what the director shouted in triplicate at the start of every single take. And after the film was wrapped the entire cast and crew had coronaries. Or didn't, but could have done. It's a big enough strain on the heart and adrenal glands just watching, let alone taking part in all this frantic action, action, action. In a good way.

Weird fact about Jolie: she does look quite a lot like her father, Jon Voigt, yet it's a look that suits her while it makes his face look like a misshapen lump of blurgh. He's not in this film, that would be confusing, just like it is in that Tomb Raider one.

Whether we buy into the assassin's creed formed in an old cotton mill or not is irrelevant. Whether the finer details of the plot make actual sense or not doesn't matter either. It's a high octane, ball tightener of a spectacle and sometimes that's sufficient to make the nipples harden like croutons in a bowl of sex soup. Terrible simile. Forget I used it. But don't forget to watch this film.

Guardians Of The Galaxy

Ronan Keating has tired of being a former boyband pretty boy and wants to destroy planets with a powerful gem thing. Big faced Chris Pratt, code named Chocolate Starfish, or something, is one of the few pink skinned people trying to stop him. The rest are all guilty of blue/red/green face crimes that I thought were frowned upon in the twenty first century. Zoe Saldana does look rather fetching as a green person, it must be said, but she won't dance, simply won't.

Music happens a lot. Lots of it, all retro stuff. Mix tape made by Starburst's dying mom so he could learn to love Motown and early seventies rock even after she was gone. Which was just before he was kidnapped by a bunch of space pirates in a flashback opening scene.

There's a violent walking tree too - best acting of Vin Diesel's entire career - and a rodent thing with smarts but an attitude problem. And a hulking great muscleman who never uses one word when fifteen will take up a few more seconds screen time. Basically it's a typical Marvel ensemble of misfits without the spandex.

And it's explosive. Super explosive. Interstellar explosive. And not exactly complex in terms of plot but who cares when such a magnificent cast turn up, sometimes to perform rather brief roles. Glenn Close, John C Reilly, Karen Gillan (who knew she'd look so cool and mean with a crew cut?), John Travolta, Fred Astaire, Dame Margot Fonteyn...I may have made these last three up.

Not once does anyone sing a Boyzone song, which might be adding to Ronan's rage. Instead they blow him to fuckery, in the end. No easy feat but why should I tell you how they do it? Why haven't you watched this movie already, you gimboid? It's great. Go on, watch it. I can't talk to you until you do. Or I will talk to you but I will only say "I am Groot" which will annoy the living shit out of you because you won't know what I mean.