Guardians Of The Galaxy

Ronan Keating has tired of being a former boyband pretty boy and wants to destroy planets with a powerful gem thing. Big faced Chris Pratt, code named Chocolate Starfish, or something, is one of the few pink skinned people trying to stop him. The rest are all guilty of blue/red/green face crimes that I thought were frowned upon in the twenty first century. Zoe Saldana does look rather fetching as a green person, it must be said, but she won't dance, simply won't.

Music happens a lot. Lots of it, all retro stuff. Mix tape made by Starburst's dying mom so he could learn to love Motown and early seventies rock even after she was gone. Which was just before he was kidnapped by a bunch of space pirates in a flashback opening scene.

There's a violent walking tree too - best acting of Vin Diesel's entire career - and a rodent thing with smarts but an attitude problem. And a hulking great muscleman who never uses one word when fifteen will take up a few more seconds screen time. Basically it's a typical Marvel ensemble of misfits without the spandex.

And it's explosive. Super explosive. Interstellar explosive. And not exactly complex in terms of plot but who cares when such a magnificent cast turn up, sometimes to perform rather brief roles. Glenn Close, John C Reilly, Karen Gillan (who knew she'd look so cool and mean with a crew cut?), John Travolta, Fred Astaire, Dame Margot Fonteyn...I may have made these last three up.

Not once does anyone sing a Boyzone song, which might be adding to Ronan's rage. Instead they blow him to fuckery, in the end. No easy feat but why should I tell you how they do it? Why haven't you watched this movie already, you gimboid? It's great. Go on, watch it. I can't talk to you until you do. Or I will talk to you but I will only say "I am Groot" which will annoy the living shit out of you because you won't know what I mean.