Wanted

It's unclear who or what is the subject of the title of this film. Is James McAvoy wanted or the king assassin he's been recruited into a weird fraternity of killers to shoot to pieces? Is Angelica Jolie wanted by McAvoy or is it the exciting, no-holds-barred lifestyle she represents? Perhaps a more meaningful title is wanted?

A trifling quibble. If you want bullets bending through space in ways that would make Einstein shit his underpants, you've got them. If you want way, way better vehicular spills and craziness than any FastFurious movie, you've got them too. Exploding rats, yeah you can have them. Stabby, stabby big knives scares; punchy, punchy violence; Chris 'What A' Pratt being smashed in the face with a computer keyboard; Morgan Freeman's join the dots mole face and velveteen voice; spectacular train crash...

Take it from me, there is a truck load of action. Action, action, action. That's probably what the director shouted in triplicate at the start of every single take. And after the film was wrapped the entire cast and crew had coronaries. Or didn't, but could have done. It's a big enough strain on the heart and adrenal glands just watching, let alone taking part in all this frantic action, action, action. In a good way.

Weird fact about Jolie: she does look quite a lot like her father, Jon Voigt, yet it's a look that suits her while it makes his face look like a misshapen lump of blurgh. He's not in this film, that would be confusing, just like it is in that Tomb Raider one.

Whether we buy into the assassin's creed formed in an old cotton mill or not is irrelevant. Whether the finer details of the plot make actual sense or not doesn't matter either. It's a high octane, ball tightener of a spectacle and sometimes that's sufficient to make the nipples harden like croutons in a bowl of sex soup. Terrible simile. Forget I used it. But don't forget to watch this film.