Sunday 1 January 2017

London Has Fallen

You know the basic premise of Die Hard: one gritty man defeats countless nasty terrorists? Multiply that by a billion and you have London Has Fallen. Sequel to Olympus Has Fallen but slightly less sweary. Unless I've got used to the swearing and don't even fucking notice it when it fucking happens.

Gerard Butler does not at any point say "Yippee kai ay!". Nor does he repeat the best swearing motif from the first film: "Let's play a game of Fuck Off; you go first." Which is a disappointment and ensured I spent a lot of the film waiting for it and probably missing the violent deaths of ten percent of the bad guys.

The plot? Ludicrous. More ludicrous than a big jar of Superludicrous which has been dipped in ludicrous sauce. Death of British Prime Minister brings world leaders to London for state funeral which is in fact an elaborate trap set by a vengeful Middle Eastern type who wasn't properly killed by American drones a few years previously.

The assassination of several of the leaders of major countries is mostly irrelevant because this is Hollywood and the only target that matters is the President. That's Mister President to you. Aaron Eckhart to his friends. Or Aar. Maybe. I don't really know him that well. Luckily Aar has Gerard on hand to shoot and stab and curse them through bullets, stinger missiles that bring down their helicopter, London tap water, Charlotte Riley's ever so slightly misaligned eyes, and a great big machete which is meant to be the instrument of the President's execution live on that Internet.

Phew, what a thrill ride. A ludicrous, sweary thrill ride. Only less sweary than the last one. I fucking think. Some of the swearing was from English people and I'm trained not to hear that. Unless it's about my relatives and then I get cross.

And come the end, what have we learned? We've learned that Hollywood executives will throw money at explosions if at least one bankable star is involved. And that Butler's American accent has not improved that much since the last one. And that we don't believe a fucking moment of it but it was kind of fun anyway.

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